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Mitch Hedberg Quotes For Love, life and comedy.

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About Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes 

  1. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg”
  2. “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” — Mitch Hedberg
  3. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.” — Mitch Hedberg
  5. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.” — Mitch Hedberg
  6. “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”— Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” — Mitch Hedberg
  8. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?” — Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.” — Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” — Mitch Hedberg
  11. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.” — Mitch Hedberg
  12. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” — Mitch Hedberg
  13. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” — Mitch Hedberg
  14. “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.” — Mitch Hedberg
  15. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” — Mitch Hedberg
  16. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.” — Mitch Hedberg
  17. “I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.”— Mitch Hedberg
  18. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” — Mitch Hedberg
  19. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” — Mitch Hedberg
  20. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.” — Mitch Hedberg
  21. “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…” — Mitch Hedberg
  22. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” — Mitch Hedberg
  23. “That would be cool if you could eat good food with bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.” — Mitch Hedberg
  24. “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.” — Mitch Hedberg
  25. “Dogs are forever in the push up position.” — Mitch Hedberg
  26. “I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?” — Mitch Hedberg
  27. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.” — Mitch Hedberg
  28. “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.” — Mitch Hedberg
  29. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” — Mitch Hedberg
  30. “You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.” — Mitch Hedberg
  31. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for ME.” — Mitch Hedberg
  32. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” — Mitch Hedberg
  33. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.” — Mitch Hedberg
  34. “My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.” — Mitch Hedberg
  35. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
  36. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?” — Mitch Hedberg
  37. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” — Mitch Hedberg
  38. “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.” — Mitch Hedberg
  39. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg
  40. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” — Mitch Hedberg
  41. “I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.” — Mitch Hedberg
  42. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.” — Mitch Hedberg
  43. “An escalator can never break: It can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’” — Mitch Hedberg
  44. “Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got… This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick somethin’ up.’” — Mitch Hedberg
  45. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’” — Mitch Hedberg
  46. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.” — Mitch Hedberg
  47. “Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.” — Mitch Hedberg
  48. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.” — Mitch Hedberg
  49. “I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.” — Mitch Hedberg
  50. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” — Mitch Hedberg
  51. “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” — Mitch Hedberg
  52. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” — Mitch Hedberg
  53. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” — Mitch Hedberg
  54. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” — Mitch Hedberg
  55. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move; you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” — Mitch Hedberg
  56. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress. She just never gets called to the set.” — Mitch Hedberg
  57. “I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.” — Mitch Hedberg
  58. “Last week, I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.” — Mitch Hedberg
  59. “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.” — Mitch Hedberg
  60. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.” — Mitch Hedberg
  61. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”— Mitch Hedberg
  62. “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.” — Mitch Hedberg
  63. “Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.” — Mitch Hedberg
  64. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” — Mitch Hedberg
  65. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.” — Mitch Hedberg
  66. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.” — Mitch Hedberg
  67. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” — Mitch Hedberg
  68. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” — Mitch Hedberg
  69. “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.” — Mitch Hedberg
  70. “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” — Mitch Hedberg
  71. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.” — Mitch Hedberg
  72. “It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.” — Mitch Hedberg
  73. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.” — Mitch Hedberg
  74. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.” — Mitch Hedberg
  75. “Dogs are forever in the push up position.” — Mitch Hedberg
  76. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.” — Mitch Hedberg
  77. “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.” — Mitch Hedberg
  78. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.” — Mitch Hedberg
  79. “I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.” — Mitch Hedberg
  80. “Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.” — Mitch Hedberg
  81. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” — Mitch Hedberg
  82. “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.” — Mitch Hedberg
  83. “Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.” — Mitch Hedberg
  84. “Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.” — Mitch Hedberg
  85. “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” — Mitch Hedberg
  86. “Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.” — Mitch Hedberg
  87. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”— Mitch Hedberg
  88. “You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”— Mitch Hedberg
  89. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.” — Mitch Hedberg
  90. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg 
  91. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” — Mitch Hedberg
  92. “Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?” — Mitch Hedberg
  93. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” — Mitch Hedberg
  94. “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.” — Mitch Hedberg
  95. “Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say “I’m gonna go shave, too.” ” — Mitch Hedberg
  96. “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. ”  — Mitch Hedberg
  97. “I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, so it died.” — Mitch Hedberg
  98. “I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.” — Mitch Hedberg
  99. “If I had a dollar for every time I said that I’d be making money in a very weird way.” — Mitch Hedberg

Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.” — Mitch Hedberg
  2. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”” — Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. Oh, you’re a king you say? Well, you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! ” — Mitch Hedberg, Mitch Hedberg – Mitch All Together Complete
  4. “I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said “You’re going to have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity. Got me again! ” — Mitch Hedberg
  5. “My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.” — Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.” — Mitch Hedberg
  7. “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.” — Mitch Hedberg
  8. “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’” — Mitch Hedberg
  9.  “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. ” — Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.” — Mitch Hedberg,
  11. “You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green”… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em.” — Mitch Hedberg
  12. “This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’… Which means it’s dirty.” — Mitch Hedberg, 
  13. “I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it!”” — Mitch Hedberg,
  14. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” — Mitch Hedberg,
  15. “I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.” — Mitch Hedberg,
  16. “I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really’. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat operator.’” — Mitch Hedberg,
  17. “I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said ‘please try again’ because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top.” — Mitch Hedberg,
  18. “I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say “Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”” — Mitch Hedberg
  19. “I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. “Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner.”  I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Dinners and put them right across the street from bed and breakfasts.  “Come over, about…one. But you have to leave at eleven. ‘Cause you ain’t sleeping in the fucking chair.” — Mitch Hedberg
  20. “I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like ‘You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.’ Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. ‘I know you need water, but I’m gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus’”— Mitch Hedberg
  21. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”— Mitch Hedberg
  22. “It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how you explain football then? “ — Mitch Hedberg
  23. “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. this morning I made 12, I was prolific.” —Mitch Hedberg
  24. “I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.” — Mitch Hedberg
  25. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” — Mitch Hedberg
  26. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.” — Mitch Hedberg

Related stuff: Country girl quotes

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.” — Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”— Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” — Mitch Hedberg
  4. “People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” — Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.” — Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” — Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.” — Mitch Hedberg
  8. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.” — Mitch Hedberg
  9. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.” — Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” — Mitch Hedberg
  11. “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” — Mitch Hedberg
  12. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish. they just want to make it late for something.” — Mitch Hedberg
  13. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” — Mitch Hedberg
  14. “Dogs are forever in the push up position.” — Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”
  16. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg
  17. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” — Mitch Hedberg
  18. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.” — Mitch Hedberg
  19. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” — Mitch Hedberg
  20. “I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.” — Mitch Hedberg
  21. “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.” — Mitch Hedberg
  22. “I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.” — Mitch Hedberg
  23. “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.” — Mitch Hedberg
  24. “My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.” — Mitch Hedberg
  25. “I got so much tarter I dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!” — Mitch Hedberg
  26. “I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.” — Mitch Hedberg
  27. “I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick.”  — Mitch Hedberg
  28. “I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really. it’s just a towel that fits me.” — Mitch Hedberg
  29. “There are six ducks out here, and they all want sun chips!” — Mitch Hedberg
  30. “I think that should call a cheese grater by its real name… a sponge ruiner.” — Mitch Hedberg
  31. “I went to the store to buy a candle holder. They didn’t have one so I got a cake.” — Mitch Hedberg
  32. “I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, screw that, I’ll just make a copy.” — Mitch Hedberg
  33. “ I saw some two-dollar bills today- They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control… Now it’s worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.” — Mitch Hedberg
  34. “I think pickles are cucumber that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil was dill.” — Mitch Hedberg
  35.  “Where are all the ‘during’ phots? I’ve never seen one.” — Mitch Hedberg
  36. “I sick of “soup of the day” it’s time we made a decision, I want to know what “soup from now on” is.”  — Mitch Hedberg
  37. “I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.” — Mitch Hedberg
  38.  “Sometimes I make some money doin’ comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had $3000 in my front pocket. That was a bad situation because then I start to buy ridiculous sh**. Like, I bought a snake-bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, ‘Don’t even worry about snakes anymore.’ Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, ‘Lay down.’ Snakebite emergency repair kit… is a body bag.” — Mitch Hedberg
  39. “I tried walking into a Target, but I missed.” — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Clean Jokes

  1. “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky… “ — Mitch Hedberg
  2.  “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.” — Mitch Hedberg
  3. “Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.” — Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” — Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, “I’m mailing those cookies to my friend.” So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable.” — Mitch Hedberg
  6. “A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.” — Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. they hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish.” — Mitch Hedberg
  8. “I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all.” — Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn’t have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.” — Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” — Mitch Hedberg
  11. “I called  the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’ and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell’Cut!” — Mitch Hedberg
  12. “Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!” — Mitch Hedberg
  13.  “A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, “Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!” — Mitch Hedberg
  14. “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.” — Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.” — Mitch Hedberg
  16. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”— Mitch Hedberg
  17. “I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”— Mitch Hedberg
  18. “That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham crackers. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.” — Mitch Hedberg
  19. “I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. “Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!” — Mitch Hedberg
  20. “Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” Then let’s print up some flyers!” — Mitch Hedberg
  21. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”— Mitch Hedberg
  22. “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.” — Mitch Hedberg
  23. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”  — Mitch Hedberg
  24. “I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”— Mitch Hedberg
  25. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” — Mitch Hedberg
  26. “I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”— Mitch Hedberg
  27. “I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.”  — Mitch Hedberg
  28. “My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”— Mitch Hedberg
  29. “My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.”— Mitch Hedberg
  30. “This one guy said, “Look at that girl. She’s got a nice butt.” I said, “Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  31. “I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.”— Mitch Hedberg
  32. “I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  33. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’”— Mitch Hedberg
  34. “This one commercial said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!” — Mitch Hedberg
  35. “I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.” — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Food

  1. “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” — Mitch Hedberg
  2. “Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.”— Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.” — Mitch Hedberg
  4. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” — Mitch Hedberg
  5. “Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.” — Mitch Hedberg
  6. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” — Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!”  — Mitch Hedberg
  8. “I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.” — Mitch Hedberg
  9. “As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes. You’re all happy at first, but then by the end, you’re sick of ’em” — Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, “Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars.” I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, “Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.””  — Mitch Hedberg
  11. “I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I’ve still got tartar, but it’s under control.” — Mitch Hedberg
  12. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.”— Mitch Hedberg
  13.  “I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. ‘Cause I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.” — Mitch Hedberg
  14. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.” — Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.”— Mitch Hedberg
  16. “If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.” — Mitch Hedberg
  17. “A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.”— Mitch Hedberg
  18. “I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.””— Mitch Hedberg 
  19. “I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.”— Mitch Hedberg 
  20. “I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.” — Mitch Hedberg
  21. “They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there’s more to it than that. “You want some more home made sprite?” “Not until you figure out what the f**k else is in it!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  22. “I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.” — Mitch Hedberg
  23. “I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.” — Mitch Hedberg
  24. “I love my FedEx guy ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it. And he’s always on time.” — Mitch Hedberg
  25. “You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple, or green.” Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocating, then help ’em.”— Mitch Hedberg
  26. “Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. “Look at that dead guy. Let’s go that way.”” — Mitch Hedberg

Best Mitch Hedberg Jokes

  1. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it — build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.” — Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.”— Mitch Hedberg
  3. “If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.””— Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.” — Mitch Hedberg
  5. “Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!””— Mitch Hedberg
  6. “If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!” — Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.””— Mitch Hedberg
  8. “Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.””— Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.” — Mitch Hedberg
  10. “Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious.” — Mitch Hedberg
  11. “I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.”  — Mitch Hedberg
  12. “If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold. I guess I could lick it.” — Mitch Hedberg
  13. “Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone’s door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe’s home, knock on wood!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  14. “I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, “Do you know anybody who has AIDS?”. He says, “No”. I say, “Cool, because you know me.””— Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.” — Mitch Hedberg
  16. “People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.”— Mitch Hedberg
  17. “If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  18. “I did a radio interview; the DJ’s first question was “Who are you?” I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?” — Mitch Hedberg
  19. “If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.”  — Mitch Hedberg
  20. “I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”” — Mitch Hedberg
  21. “I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”— Mitch Hedberg
  22. “Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”— Mitch Hedberg
  23. “I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don’t do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”— Mitch Hedberg
  24. “My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name “Lynn”. My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too, but she spells it “Lyn”. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell because I don’t say “n” as long.” — Mitch Hedberg
  25. “A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.””— Mitch Hedberg
  26. “I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, “I hear music.” As if there was any other way you can take it in. That’s how I receive it too. You’re not special.”— Mitch Hedberg
  27. “I have a friend who is a juggler. If I’m at his house, I don’t like to take food from him, if it’s in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can’t have one. I wouldn’t want to screw up his practice routine.”— Mitch Hedberg
  28. “I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”— Mitch Hedberg
  29. “I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year.”— Mitch Hedberg
  30. “I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.”— Mitch Hedberg
  31. “I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call them cavities. I like to call them “places to put stuff.” Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.”— Mitch Hedberg
  32. “I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That’s not a full joke there! It’s filler.” — Mitch Hedberg
  33. “I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.””— Mitch Hedberg
  34. “Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.”— Mitch Hedberg
  35. “I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!””— Mitch Hedberg
  36. “I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like I’ve got it all wrong.” — Mitch Hedberg
  1. “I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I’d mess with his head. I’d say, “Go around. I cannot open the wall!””— Mitch Hedberg
  2. “Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!”— Mitch Hedberg
  3. “If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, “Hey – maybe a killer is after you!””— Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?””— Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!”— Mitch Hedberg
  6. “My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they’re all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can’t quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.”— Mitch Hedberg
  7. “When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.”— Mitch Hedberg
  8. “Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria’s coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch’s Pizza – this weeks’ coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch’s Pizza locations. “Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke.””— Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I can’t floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.”— Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.”— Mitch Hedberg
  11. “I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know – there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want a dream of me watching myself sleep.”— Mitch Hedberg
  12. “I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, “Move!” I thought that was rude, so I said, “Go to hell!” Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, “Hey, you got a lot of nerve!” I said, “Hey, you got a lot of… cranium accessories!””— Mitch Hedberg
  13. “I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.”” — Mitch Hedberg
  14. “When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.” — Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying “We don’t have to fix anything.””— Mitch Hedberg
  16. “When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, “Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!””— Mitch Hedberg
  17. “I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Screw that, I’ll just make a copy!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  18. “I have a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It’s time to go to “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”— Mitch Hedberg
  19. “I like to wear a “Do Not Disturb” sign around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. “Hey, how ya doin’? Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  20. “If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.”— Mitch Hedberg
  21. “A lot of people don’t know it, but onions make me sad!”— Mitch Hedberg
  22. “I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!””— Mitch Hedberg
  23. “My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.”” — Mitch Hedberg
  24. “I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”” — Mitch Hedberg
  25. “I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.”— Mitch Hedberg
  26. “I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.””— Mitch Hedberg
  27. “Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”— Mitch Hedberg
  28. “You know crazy straws – they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, “we’re going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy.””— Mitch Hedberg
  29. “I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.”— Mitch Hedberg
  30. “I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.”— Mitch Hedberg
  31. “If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.”— Mitch Hedberg
  32. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here!””— Mitch Hedberg
  33. “I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell, “Fore!” I was too busy yelling, “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him!”” — Mitch Hedberg
  34. “I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house.”— Mitch Hedberg
  35. “A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.”— Mitch Hedberg
  36. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.”— Mitch Hedberg
  37. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.”— Mitch Hedberg
  38. “I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.”— Mitch Hedberg

Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.”— Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!”— Mitch Hedberg
  3. “At the end of a letter I like to write “P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”— Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don’t go see Dr. Acula.”— Mitch Hedberg
  5. “It’s hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. “Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky.””— Mitch Hedberg
  6. “Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!”— Mitch Hedberg
  7. “One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.”— Mitch Hedberg
  8. “I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.”— Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I like to smoke a pipe, because it’s the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.”— Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, “Mitch,” and I say, “what” and turn my head slightly.”— Mitch Hedberg
  11. “You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That’s crazy. That would knock you on your butt.”— Mitch Hedberg
  12. “There’s a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn’t laughing. “Oh, distinctive laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!””— Mitch Hedberg
  13. “I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.”— Mitch Hedberg
  14. “I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”— Mitch Hedberg
  15. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”— Mitch Hedberg
  16. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”— Mitch Hedberg
  17. “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”— Mitch Hedberg
  18. “You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
  19. “Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m angry. Germs do not go quietly.” – Mitch Hedberg
  20. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.” – Mitch Hedberg
  21.  “I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.” – Mitch Hedberg
  22. “Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?” – Mitch Hedberg
  23. “You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much.” – Mitch Hedberg
  24. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.” – Mitch Hedberg
  25. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” – Mitch Hedberg
  26. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”– Mitch Hedberg
  27. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”– Mitch Hedberg
  28.  “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”– Mitch Hedberg
  29.  “ I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”– Mitch Hedberg
  30. “I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”– Mitch Hedberg
  31. “I get the Reese’s candy bar, If you read it, there’s an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time your eating a Reese’s and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I’m sorry Reece, I didn’t think I would ever run into you.” – Mitch Hedberg
  32. “Kinko’s is my favourite copy place cause it’s open 24 hours, like if it’s three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I’m covered.”– Mitch Hedberg
  33. “I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -“Sorry, We’re Closed”. You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3am. And you’re a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say “Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed… somebody owes me an apology.” – Mitch Hedberg
  34. “I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we’re closed. You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.”– Mitch Hedberg
  35. “I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”– Mitch Hedberg
  36. “I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write ‘I really enjoyed being here’, but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really’. But I wanted to use it, I didn’t want to cross it out, so I wrote ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of sh*t you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.’ I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.”– Mitch Hedberg
  37. “My roommate says, I’m going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”  – Mitch Hedberg
  38. I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.”  – Mitch Hedberg
  39. “I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender…. all you do is say what the shit does, and add “er”. I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that’s a fresher….I’m going on break.”– Mitch Hedberg
  40. “I mumble a lot off-stage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me, he’ll say ‘What?’. So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says ‘What?’. But really it’s just some insignificant sh*t that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, ‘That tree is far away.’”  – Mitch Hedberg
  41. “I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said “Where do you see yourself in five years?” and i said “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question”– Mitch Hedberg
  42. “OME on you’re from the south you understand, I mean i’m in the sth i want some sp.”– Mitch Hedberg
  43. “That’s always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn’t look like he’s having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they’re having fun. So I don’t want to focus on the one guy who’s not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can’t hear that he’s not laughing but I can see that he’s not laughing.”– Mitch Hedberg
  44. “Stand-up is an art but since it’s humor and it’s funny – a lot of guys that don’t think it’s art are probably coming from the angle that they don’t want to take it so seriously. I’ve always looked at it as an art but I don’t look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.”– Mitch Hedberg
  45. “Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.”– Mitch Hedberg
  46. “When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don’t want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.”– Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Funny Quotes

  1. “You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that.”– Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there’s other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You’re like, “I hope he’s happy again.””– Mitch Hedberg
  1. “Some comics get drunk before a show. I don’t. When I get drunk, I don’t want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”– Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.”– Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say “tomatoes”, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.”– Mitch Hedberg
  4. “You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, “DuFresnes, party of two.” They say again, “DuFresnes, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they’ll just go to the next name, “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they’re hungry! That’s a double whammy! “Bush, search party of three!” You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”– Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.”– Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.”– Mitch Hedberg
  7. “I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. “What time is it, Mitch?” “Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.” “Shi*, I had to be somewhere…””– Mitch Hedberg
  8. I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!””  – Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.” – Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That’s simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? “Yeah, but they’re comfortable!””– Mitch Hedberg
  11. “I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”– Mitch Hedberg
  12. “I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.”– Mitch Hedberg
  13. “I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.” That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s easy, Lola – you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!”– Mitch Hedberg
  14. “XM radio doesn’t have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I’m like, “What should I buy?””– Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I like Kinko’s, because they’re open 24 hours. If it’s 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I’m covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, “Oh, yeah. Kinko’s. No problem. That will not remain singular.”” – Mitch Hedberg
  16. “2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created.” – Mitch Hedberg
  17. “I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “no.” So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say “no” to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you’re not saying ANYTHING!”– Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Funny Quotes

  1. “I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. “I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.” “Well, so do I!” “Then let’s form a club.” “OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips.” “How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?” “I’m for ’em!” “Well, this club is formed.”” – Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!””– Mitch Hedberg
  3. “I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, “What kind of cigars do you like?” I answered, “It’s a Boys.””– Mitch Hedberg
  4. “When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, “OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?”” – Mitch Hedberg
  5. “A lot of bands have intense names, like “Rigor Mortis” or “Mortuary”. We weren’t that intense, we called ourselves “Injured”. Later on we changed it to “Acapella” when we were walking out of the pawn shop.”– Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’, and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'””– Mitch Hedberg
  7. “Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!”– Mitch Hedberg
  8. “P.S. – This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”– Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.”– Mitch Hedberg
  10. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”– Mitch Hedberg
  11. “We don’t have to fix anything.”– Mitch Hedberg
  12. “Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, ‘Dude, I saw you on TV last night.’ But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, ‘Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.’”– Mitch Hedberg
  13. “I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”– Mitch Hedberg
  14. “Onions make me sad, a lot of people don’t realize that. When I’m cutting onions, I’m sad. Because the plight of onions, it’s sad. But people don’t realize I’m actually crying – they think I’m just reacting.”– Mitch Hedberg
  15. “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”– Mitch Hedberg
  16. “Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!”– Mitch Hedberg
  17. “If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.”– Mitch Hedberg
  18. “I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry ’cause I like loud music… so when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say Go around I cannot open the wall I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there’s nothin’. It’s just flat.”– Mitch Hedberg
  19. “Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.”– Mitch Hedberg
  20. “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”– Mitch Hedberg
  21. “I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!”– Mitch Hedberg
  22. “I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow sh*t.”– Mitch Hedberg
  23. “A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.”– Mitch Hedberg
  24. “If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”– Mitch Hedberg
  25. “I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows?”– Mitch Hedberg
  26. “I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”– Mitch Hedberg
  27. “People who smoke cigarettes, they say “You don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing.”– Mitch Hedberg
  28. “I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”– Mitch Hedberg
  29. “If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.”– Mitch Hedberg
  30. “Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don’t know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. “You might have seen this next comedian at the store,” and people would say “Hell yes I have!””– Mitch Hedberg
  31. “It’s hard to fight when you’re in a gazebo.”– Mitch Hedberg
  32. “I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..”– Mitch Hedberg
  33. “I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision… because I didn’t know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.”– Mitch Hedberg
  34. “I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’”– Mitch Hedberg
  35. “I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish.”– Mitch Hedberg

Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “If you boat a lot, you’re known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don’t want to ever be referred to as a ‘boating enthusiast’. I hope they call me ‘a guy who likes to boat’.”– Mitch Hedberg
  2. “People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”– Mitch Hedberg
  3. “Xylophone is spelled with an X. That’s wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, “That’s wrong!”, you say, “No, it ain’t.” If you think that’s wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.”– Mitch Hedberg
  4. “There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!””– Mitch Hedberg
  5. “I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!”– Mitch Hedberg
  6. “I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.”– Mitch Hedberg
  7. “When you’re doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That’s the worst method. You’re up here, and then you see a floating candle. “Oh, no! This place is haunted!” I can’t be funny when I’m frightened.”– Mitch Hedberg
  8. “You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they’ll use too many letters? “Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.” Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? “Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy.’ How did you know I was calling? You’re good, I can see why they hired you!””– Mitch Hedberg
  9. “I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”– Mitch Hedberg
  10. “I don’t want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop”!”– Mitch Hedberg
  11. “If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.”– Mitch Hedberg
  12. “I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away – “Knock knock – Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?””– Mitch Hedberg
  13. “Why are there no “during” pictures?”– Mitch Hedberg
  14. “As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. “How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!” That’s what you say when you’re having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.”– Mitch Hedberg
  15. “I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”– Mitch Hedberg
  16. “I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say “The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?””– Mitch Hedberg
  17. “I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.”– Mitch Hedberg
  18. “Every picture of you is when you were younger.”– Mitch Hedberg
  19. “The customer’s always right.”– Mitch Hedberg
  20. “We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for “add sugar to”.”– Mitch Hedberg
  21. “I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like “I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!””– Mitch Hedberg
  22. “I thought I’d go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there – “Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize”. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I’ll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.”– Mitch Hedberg
  23. “I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.”– Mitch Hedberg
  24. “You know they call corn-on-the-cob, “corn-on-the-cob”, but that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It’s not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it “Mitch”, but then re-attached it, and call it “Mitch-all-together”.”– Mitch Hedberg
  25. “A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.””– Mitch Hedberg
  26. “If you’re watching a parade, don’t follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.”– Mitch Hedberg
  27. “I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”– Mitch Hedberg
  28. “The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!”– Mitch Hedberg
  29. “I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They’ve got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.”– Mitch Hedberg
  30. “I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” And then he said, “How many of you feel like animals?” The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.”– Mitch Hedberg
  31. “I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.”– Mitch Hedberg
  32. “I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn’t understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, “This is what I’m doing for sure.” I was so excited.” – Mitch Hedberg
  33. “I don’t think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don’t think it has for a long time. There’s some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they’re not a name, they don’t attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.”– Mitch Hedberg
  34. “I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying “Steven Wright” to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.”– Mitch Hedberg
  35. “I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.”– Mitch Hedberg
  36. “One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ ‘You son of bit, how’d you pull that off Let me see that camera. What’s it look like’”– Mitch Hedberg
  37. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.”– Mitch Hedberg
  38. “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’”– Mitch Hedberg
  39. “Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it. One day I’m gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.”– Mitch Hedberg
  40. “At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”– Mitch Hedberg
  41. “I don’t know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m screwed. But if the gas tank says “E”, I get all cocky – “I’ve got this one, don’t worry.” So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.”– Mitch Hedberg
  42. “I’m always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don’t know what’s going on with the car, and I’ll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It’s not really an emergency brake, it’s an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”– Mitch Hedberg
  43. “I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!”
  44. “If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.”– Mitch Hedberg
  45. “I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!””– Mitch Hedberg
  46. “I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.”– Mitch Hedberg
  47. “I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.”– Mitch Hedberg
  48. “Well, that’s a ‘fresher’. I’m going on break.”– Mitch Hedberg
  49. “I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers! I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates!”– Mitch Hedberg
  50. “The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”– Mitch Hedberg
  51. “You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.”– Mitch Hedberg
  52. “I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don’t. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. And that’s a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, “Man, I better play dead!””– Mitch Hedberg
  53. “They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!””– Mitch Hedberg
  54. “I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.”– Mitch Hedberg
  55. “People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.”– Mitch Hedberg
  56. “Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray ‘N Wash can. “Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray ‘N Wash?” “Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!””– Mitch Hedberg
  57. “I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”– Mitch Hedberg
  58. “I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.”– Mitch Hedberg
  59. “I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.”– Mitch Hedberg
  60. “I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”– Mitch Hedberg
  61. “Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”– Mitch Hedberg
  62. “I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.”– Mitch Hedberg
  63. “I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying “We don’t have to fix anything.””– Mitch Hedberg
  64. “My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”– Mitch Hedberg
  65. “I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”– Mitch Hedberg
  66. “You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising, because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.””– Mitch Hedberg
  67. “I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you’re gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I’ve got packs of pop with me. “Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!””– Mitch Hedberg
  68. “Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”– Mitch Hedberg
  69. “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”– Mitch Hedberg
  70. “I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.””– Mitch Hedberg
  71. “Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!””– Mitch Hedberg
  72. “I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.”– Mitch Hedberg
  73. “I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That’s why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It’s not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won’t get mad because it glows in the dark too.”– Mitch Hedberg
  74. “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.”– Mitch Hedberg
  75. “I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!””– Mitch Hedberg
  76. “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.”– Mitch Hedberg
  77. “When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”– Mitch Hedberg
  78. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”– Mitch Hedberg
  79. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.”– Mitch Hedberg
  80. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.’”– Mitch Hedberg
  81. “No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”– Mitch Hedberg
  82. I want to be a rebellious McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers… NOPE… we got spaghetti! – Mitch Hedberg
  83. “Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!””– Mitch Hedberg
  84. “Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.””– Mitch Hedberg
  85. “I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. “Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?” “That one, and every one on the bottom row!””– Mitch Hedberg
  86. “A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’ll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, ‘Do you have coke in a glass harmonica …Do you have individually wrapped cashews’”– Mitch Hedberg
  87. “A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.”– Mitch Hedberg
  88. “I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, “Do you know anybody who has AIDS?”. He says, “No”. I say, “Cool, because you know me.””– Mitch Hedberg
  89. “People think I’m into sports because I’m a man. But I’m not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”– Mitch Hedberg
  90. “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky…”– Mitch Hedberg
  91. “I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You’re like, “Crap! I wish I hadn’t seen Ricky on the sidewalk!””– Mitch Hedberg
  92. “I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.”– Mitch Hedberg
  93. “I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.”– Mitch Hedberg
  94. “I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”– Mitch Hedberg
  95. “I like those blow-up beds. “This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!” Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. “Yeah, but you can store this thing.” You can store a bed, too – in the bedroom.”– Mitch Hedberg
  96. “I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’!”– Mitch Hedberg
  97. “Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps”– Mitch Hedberg
  98. “People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, “That guy eats cake!” “He is on bundt cake!” Mothers saying to their daughters, “Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?””– Mitch Hedberg
  99. “I rented a car. I didn’t really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.”– Mitch Hedberg

More Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That’s magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.”– Mitch Hedberg
  2. “I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I’m really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can’t guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”– Mitch Hedberg
  3. “Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”– Mitch Hedberg
  4. “I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over!””– Mitch Hedberg

To read more about the biography of mitch continue reading this article.

Introduction

 Mitch Hedberg was born in St. Paul, Minnesota, on February 24, 1968. He began his stand-up career in Florida, where he honed his abilities for a while before moving to Seattle and starting to tour. Soon after, he performed on MTV’s “Comikaze,” and in 1996, he had his big break on. He took first place in the Seattle Comedy Competition in 1997. He appeared in Fox’s smash sitcom that ’70s Show the following year 1998. He created, directed, produced, and starred in Los Enchiladas in 1999, an indie feature film he wrote, directed, and produced. “Mitch All Together” and “Strategic Grill Locations” are two comedy CDs he’s released.

He performed in the Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal in 2001. Mitch Hedberg died of a heroin overdose on March 30, 2005. Everyone will be saddened by his passing. Arne and Mary Hedberg of St. Paul had a son. His siblings are Wendy Brown of Woodbury and Angie Andreson of South St. Paul.

Performance

 He performed at Gator Growl, the world’s largest student-run pep rally, in the year 2000. Because of his acute stage anxiety and tactics to make him forget about his audience, he developed a trademark style of wearing sunglasses indoors and gazing at the floor. He was of Swedish, Czech, and German ancestry (from his paternal grandfather). He acknowledged that he disliked school and had only recently finished high school. 

Career

Hedberg began his stand-up career in Florida, then relocated to Seattle and began touring after perfecting his talents. Soon after, he featured on MTV’s Comikaze, followed by a 1996 performance on David Letterman’s Late Show, which gave him his big break. He took first place in the Seattle Comedy Competition in 1997.

He made an appearance on an episode of Fox’s That ’70s Show the following year. In 1999, he finished Los Enchiladas! an independent feature picture in which he wrote, directed, produced, and acted. Do You Believe in Gosh? Strategic Grill Locations and Mitch All Together Were his three comedy CDs, the last of which was released after his death. In 1998, 2001, and 2004, he performed at the Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal.

 During his climb to fame in the entertainment industry, Hedberg appeared on Letterman nine more times, signed a half-million-dollar deal with Fox for a television sitcom, and was dubbed “the next Seinfeld” by Time magazine. George Carlin, Dave Chappelle, Mike Birbiglia, Norm MacDonald, and Lewis Black were among his comic followers. From 1999 until he died in 2005, Hedberg was married to Canadian comedian Lynn Shawcroft. 

Hedberg was Drug User

Hedberg was a regular recreational drug user, as evidenced by his jokes about it. Jonathan Davis interviewed him for the December 2001 edition of Penthouse. In an interview three years before his death, he was asked, “If you could choose, how would you end your life?” “I’d want to get famous first, and then I’d overdo it,” he remarked. At this point in my career, I’d be lucky if I made the back pages if I overdosed.”

Scandel

 He was arrested for heroin possession in Austin, Texas in May 2003. On The Howard Stern Show on October 12, 2004, Hedberg sat in on the news with Robin Quivers. Hedberg was discovered dead in a hotel room at The Westminster Hotel in Livingston, New Jersey, on March 30, 2005. Hedberg’s standup humor was defined by the distinctive stage presence, abrupt delivery, and peculiar way of talking he acquired later in his career. Wordplay, nonsequiturs, paraprosdokians, and object observations were all used in his work. His act typically alternated between short one- or two-line jokes and larger routines, with each line frequently serving as a punch line. 

About His Jokes

Many of his jokes were based on real-life circumstances or ideas. Hedberg’s manner has been compared to that of comedian Demetri Martin. Hedberg struggled with stage anxiety throughout his career, frequently performing in sunglasses, with his head down and his hair in his face or his eyes closed, and occasionally standing upstage or with his back to the audience, dancing in place.

Departure or death

 On April 1, his death was publicly reported, causing admirers to assume it was an April Fools’ hoax. His death was first thought to be the consequence of a congenital cardiac abnormality that had existed from birth, but the New Jersey medical examiner’s office determined in December 2005 that he died as a result of “multiple substance poisoning,” including cocaine and heroin. The funeral for Hedberg was placed at St. Ambrose Catholic Church in Woodbury, Minnesota.

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