Quotes by George Carlin

• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large group.

• Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

• If you have selfish ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

• Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

• Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

• Religion is like a pair of shoes, find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.

• War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.

• The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.

• Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

• Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

• Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
• Religion is just mind control.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

• Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

• Electricity is really just organized lightning.

• There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

• Tell people that there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman “Where’s the self-help section?” She said is she told me it would defeat the purpose.

• I have as much authority as the pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

• When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

• If God has intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter.

• Recently I realised what emails are for: to communicate with those who you don’t want to talk to.

• If you really want to know how to help your children, leave them alone!

• Live every day like it’s your last… and eventually it will be. You’ll be fully prepared.

• There’s nothing wrong with this planet. It is the people who are crazy!

• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.